Sorry

Ok the Facebook poll has settled down.

As a parent I think your child should say sorry. Now that being said, there are many ways to go about it.  Of course I don't think that saying sorry right after you smack someone upside the head is the intention. That's typically when a child is trying not to get into trouble. 

I do think that modeling what you want is the best. Say sorry when you should, to your kids, spouse, or friends. It is a great way for them to learn.

Ask them what they think they may need to say, when they have said or done something wrong. Ask them if there was a different way they could have done that.  Also, saying sorry doesn't mean there aren't other consequences. 

I think no matter what if you aren't teaching your child to say sorry, why they say sorry, andwhat they did that needs an apology. 

There is a society of children growing up thinking that nothing has value, expecting everything from everyone, they are always right about everything, and it doesn't matter who they hurt on the way. 

I read a post stating he was tired of waiter/waitresses, and bartenders not saying " thank you" for the tip.....hmmmmm, this may be my next blog. 

Our first date!!!

September 2, 2007

Our last email he said give me a call sometime, after giving me his number.  My response was here's my number you can call me.  

I got home from church, and my neighbor and I were going to take her girls to pizza street.  I had just swung my door open to meet her outside when my phone rang.  I ran to look at the caller ID.  I remember thinking its him, let it ring one more time you don't want him to think you are just standing by the hone waiting for it to call.  I calmly answer, hello! Hi, Carol this is Matt.  (I know, I was so glad he called). The time was set, a movie it would be, what would I wear, I was so nervous..... I remember I couldn't stop sweating, I was totally freeking out.  

Ok, I was ready, I peaked out the blinds and saw him pull up.  I wasn't sure if he knew which condo I was in, so I opened the door and headed down the stairs.  I remember thinking, what do I do. Telling myself slow down, enjoy the moment.  He opened the car door for me, how nice, kind, polite and respectful.  We get to the theatre, watch the movie. Driving back to my condo, I say "you want to come up to my condo?" What was I thinking, did that sound trashy, was I miss leading him, what was he thinking now.... Oh well it already came out of my mouth.  He said sure.  

We sat on my very comfy 20year old hand me down couch from my parents.  Chatted for what seemed like minutes, was really hours.  No worries, we both had Monday off work for the holiday.  

I can remember think I was starving!!!! I had no food in my house, I was single, what more could I need.  I had the staples, pasta, cereal, pop tarts, soda and milk.  So I got us some soda to drink, that's all I could do.  

It was getting late, so Matt was leaving. I was wondering how did it go?? Did I say anything stupid (if you know me I do that)? Was this the beginning or end? 

I walk him to the door, he is standing right outside my door, and a BIG ENORMOUS BUG flies into my face.  At that moment I thought Matt was leaning in to kiss me, and I was leaning as far back as I could as to not have a bug land on my face.  I quickly recover from the lean back, and lean forward and give home a kiss.  He says, "I'll call you tomorrow".  I think in guy time that would be (a week, a few days, a month).  I said "ok, talk to ya tomorrow". Shut the door, watched him leave and call my friend downstairs. 

The next day, my phone rings and it was Matt, it made my heart feel good, he meant what he said! I was so glad to talk to him again. 🌹  

My journey with infertility, continued....

These blogs concerning infertility will have a lot of TMI, I want others to not feel alone and to know that these things can be talked about.

I went to my next appointment on the third day of my cycle (that's right folks 3rd day of my cycle) I was so embarrassed. Yes I understood they do this all the time. Still 3rd day for me is TERRIBLE.  Matt is sitting next to me while I lay on the ultrasound table. I warned the tech this is going to be bad, she says no big deal I do this all the time.  After she is done inflicting as much internal pain as possible (sarcasm) she says, "hold on a minute you were bleeding really bad, let me get a towel". Now I am feeling super awesome. Note to self, check all humility and pride at the door. I have received the all clear from the fertility doctor.  I call the mail order pharmacy to get my 2 inject-able fertility drugs, plus fill the prescription for chlomid at the local pharmacy. I was given a calendar/ schedule of when to start or come in for injections of each medication. 

I strictly followed all rules, my husband followed all rules. I go in for my injection, all is good, growing some eggs. Get all my blood work done.(Grace loved watching them take my blood).  A few days later I go in for my ultra sound I have 1 egg ready and 1 VERY close. I set up my second injection and my 2 appoints for IUI. Excited!!! I mean this has to be it, how can it not work?? Right?  All my appointments are complete and now for the next 14 to 16 days I have to wait.

Day 14 comes up, no period, could it be? No, yes, maybe. I mean you can't tell these fertility drug side effects make you feel pregnant the ENTIRE month you are on them. I call the office they say wait 2 more days. 2 days comes up and bam, I start my period.  I remember my eyes welling up with tears, sending Matt a text. The disappointment, stress, sadness, and the questions.  

I call the RE's office, they say no worries lets go again. 2 days later I go in got the ever so humbling ultra sound. Get the all clear. Call in my drugs. We had summer trip planned to go to my sisters in VA, so the RE's office said that they can teach me to do the injection.  For those of you that know me well know I can't stand needles, let alone give myself an injection.  So I made arrangements for my BIL to give me  the injection. (Nice, real nice) he is awesome so he did it for me.  I get back to St. Louis, finish up the blood work and the rest of my injections. Go in on a Saturday for my IUI, I was called back by the doctor, I know this couldn't be good. He sat me down in the office and explained to me the IUI wouldn't work this time.  I was devastated. In his thick accent he told me to go home and be with my husband, and "to make love all weekend". Now I have to make an exit. If you have ever gone to a doctor like this you will learn Saturday is a packed house in the waiting room, women, men and children.  Tears streaming down my face, I have to get out of there without making eye contact with anyone, without bursting out in a sobbing cry.  

I get out of the office, down the hall, down the elevator, down another hall, into the parking garage, and finally into my truck.  I am balling, I remember telling myself to calm down, you have to call Matt and tell him, calm down or you will worry him.  I get ahold of myself, tell him all the details, I can still hear the shock and silence on the other end.  All I wanted at that moment is to be home in Matt's arms. That's the only thing that could make that moment a little ok. 

All I could do was cry, cry for myself, for Matt, for my little girl who has been praying for a baby still to this day, cry for the desire to have a larger family.  

It's almost been an entire year since we have gone throughout this journey, and I still get very emotional when I have to relive some of these moments. 

Although it has been a roller coaster, I have learned a lot.  Don't take your child for granted, your plans aren't always His plans, and at some point I might be able to help/support someone that is going through something similar.

Even though I don't know many people that have gone through this I have gotten support from them, also friends that don't truly understand have been very supportive,  and family.  You learn who is really there for you and those that are there for themselves.  

My journey with infertility, continued

These blogs concerning infertility will have a lot of TMI, I want others to not feel alone and to now that these things can be talked about.

Continued.........

After the fourth month of chlomid it was decided that I go see an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). I called to make an appointment discussed my history, and it was decided that I did not need to get a HSG test, and just some ultra sounds and follow up blood work. 

While I was waiting to get into the RE, I had just finished my fourth round of chlomid prior to that, I have an unexplainable pain near my lower abdomen on my right side.  I am standing in the kitchen at work when the pain hits me and I drop to the floor.  I remember one of my co-workers asking if she needed to call 911.  This pain was bad! Remember I have been through child birth once, this pain was very, very bad.  From a scale from 1-10 it was a 20, labor was a 6 or 7. I rest in my office chair, and give Matt a call to let him know what was going on. By the time I was off work it was a mild pain, so I stopped by target on the way home.  I walked to the back of the store and stopped, called Matt and told him the pain was back and I didn't know how I was going to make it back to the front of the store. Needless to say I figured something out and headed home to lay down. The next morning I call my OBGYN's office and they get me in right away.  They did an exam, I told me to come back the next day for an ultra sound, telling me nothing before i left. I go back the next morning and found out I had a cyst in my ovary rupture, and then filled up with blood.  OUCH!!  What does this mean??? Not sure so I called the RE's office and they got the information from the ultra sound.

I go to my RE appointment the next week with my mom.  It was just an evaluation so we thought we should save the time for Matt's work for when we would really need it. I got an ultra sound at the RE's office she found the cyst.  I said I can wait, I want to feel better before I start any other drugs.  The RE does an exam.  Then we go into his office.  He tells me I need to go on the pill to shrink the cyst, this works 9 out of 10 times.  Because of the rupture I have to get an HSG on the 3rd to 5th day of my period. I was bummed about all of this because I heard the test was painful. I also had to get blood work for a pregnancy test.  Of coarse it was negative. 

I prepped for my HSG test.  I went to the hospital, I felt like I waited an eternity for them to call me back.  I lay there on the cold table as the doctor inserts a catheter to inject dye into my uterus. As the dye filled my uterus I watched the screen as  the dye fills up my uterus and spills into my body.  All is clear no blockage or damage from the cyst.  Now I have to start my period again call the office and proceed. 

The next entry will be my journey with all the infertility drugs, ultra sounds, etc...

To be continued.....

My journey with infertility, continued

These blogs concerning infertility will have a lot of TMI, I want others to not feel alone and to now that these things can be talked about.

CONTINUED.......

It had finally happened I met the man I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with!!!
We were getting married, going to have children (4 if you asked me), live happily ever after.
.......Wow this blog is harder to write than I thought 😢....
So we got married, I went off the pill, called my doctor and started taking a new prescription plus prenatal vitamins. Low and behold we found out I was pregnant in October, I was just 4 weeks so we told our parents and siblings. Other than that we kept it to ourselves women with PCOS have a higher chance of miscarriage. What a blessing from God this truly was. I went to my 8 week appointment and we got to see a heartbeat, little arms and legs moving. Wow what a miracle. At Christmas time we were at the end of our first trimester and were happy to share the news with family and friends. All went well with this pregnancy, I ended up with an emergency c-section. Our spunky little girl had joined our family!!!!

While my body was trying to level out Matt was ready to have another baby. We agreed we would start trying after our baby turned 1. In my mind I wanted to get one out of diapers before I had another one in diapers.

So in September we found out I was pregnant again. Although I felt something wasn't quite right, when I called the doctors office they confirmed I was pregnant. I remember going to bed that night feeling off. I woke up the next morning, stood up, and had a gush of blood. At that moment I new what was happening. I called for Matt he came into the bathroom, I remember him trying to be positive and hopeful. Neither of us wanted to believe I was having a miscarriage. My mom, and 2 sisters never miscarried, it wasn't suppose to happen to me. I called the doctors office back they ran some blood work and called me a day or two later. The person that called me wasn't the normal nurse so she said yes you are pregnant. I remember sitting there on the phone thinking, there is no way I am pregnant, I have just had the worst period EVER in my life. Then she said oh, you are having a miscarriage. Really I didn't know that. I can still remember just sobbing, and sobbing, and sobbing. Poor Matt didn't know what to do with me. I felt like this went on for months. I didn't want Matt to touch me. I never wanted to go through this again. A miscarriage is not easy no matter how far along you are. If you have a friend go through this NEVER minimize it because of the number of weeks they are. God put some people in my life that were really helpful. One was a coworker that on a normal basis i see daily and don't chat with except at meetings, she completely stepped up and just chatted with me. She will probably never know how much she helped me.

So I had to go to the doctor in October he was very optimistic he said you can get pregnant it is a good sign. You will get pregnant again. If we need to visit the idea of some fertility drugs in the future we can. Another year goes by another doctors visit went by. We did some basic blood work found everything was normal. So I started taking clomid, the lowest dose. I took it the first month, the second month, the third month, the fourth month..... And then.

On a side note this was incredibly hard to blog about several days and many tears went in to this blog. Thank you for all those who read and for all the support.

TO BE CONTINUED.........

My journey with Infertility, the early days

These blogs concerning infertility will have a lot of TMI, I want others to not feel alone and to now that these things can be talked about.

It all started in the early 90's right after high school graduation. All of my friends were planning on going away to college and we were making the very best of our last summer together. I had not had my period for almost 3 months. There was in NO way I could be pregnant. I was a good girl and had very strong convictions regarding premarital sex. Besides I didn't even have a boy friend.😊
So I told my mom, she wasn't sure why it was happening so she called and spoke to her OBGYN. He said I needed to come in for an appointment. After much anxiety, worry and fear I went to my appointment ( and for those of you who know me know that my mom went with me). I survived the appointment and was advised to take a prescription to start my period. I was also told this happens sometimes and to call if it happens again. No other reason given. I went back to this doctor a few more times before he retired. Did I mention this doctor delivered me and all of my siblings?

So when the new doctor joined the practice I decided to start seeing him. I had, had one visit and he had mentioned I probably have ?$&@, I wasn't really listening.
In the mean time my mom was reading an article in a magazine about PCOS, she said look you have all of the symptoms they list in this article. Except one Infertility, I was still single I wasn't really worried about that part. So I make my next visit to the doctor and ask him about PCOS. He said you probably have it, lets run some fasting blood work and see what it looks like. Of coarse I had it, my mom was the one that had me find out for sure. In my heart I knew.


What is PCOS? Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is a problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS may also cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it is not treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease.

Polycystic ovary syndrome (or PCOS) is common, affecting as many as 1 out of 15 women. Often the symptoms begin in the teen years. Treatment can help control the symptoms and prevent long-term problems.

What are the symptoms?
Symptoms tend to be mild at first. You may have only a few symptoms or a lot of them. The most common symptoms are:
-Acne.
-Weight gain and trouble losing weight.
-Extra hair on the face and body. Often women get thicker and darker facial hair and more hair on the chest, belly, and back.
-Thinning hair on the scalp.
-Irregular periods. Often women with PCOS have fewer than nine periods a year. Some women have no periods. Others have very heavy bleeding.
-Fertility problems. Many women who have PCOS have trouble getting pregnant (infertility).
-Most women with PCOS grow many small cysts on their ovaries. That is why it is called polycystic ovary syndrome. The cysts are not harmful but lead to hormone imbalances.


So I say what do I do from here, it was determined I am insulin resistant so I was placed on birth control pills. I am not fond of the pill even it was for medical reasons. Remembering to take it daily, was a hassle. Although it did help with the severe cramps and my heavy periods. I used this method off and on for several years. In the back of my mind praying that one day I would be able to have children. Time moved on and I didn't worry much about this PCOS thing.

TO BE CONTINUED........

If you are a parent......

Are you always finding a way not to be with your child? Telling your child you will be back as soon as you can, but really you are lying to them? Putting them to bed right after you get home with them? Leaving them in church nursery/or the like, so you can talk with your friends 15 more minutes without the little buggers around?

What are you teaching them, that they are a burden, not valued, not loved?
How can a parent be their child's role model if every time you turn around you aren't their when you CAN be. Do you Really know what others are doing to influence your child? Whether they are 1 day old or 25 years old they will always look to you. What will they really see? Will they see someone who valued their time, their family, or someone who was looking for a way out, minimal time spent with family?? The choice is yours. Will your child turn to others for love, comfort, advice, guidance OR will they turn to you??

Grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. are great but they are not mom and dad. It isn't their job to spend more time with your littles than you do. Sure have support, help etc. know where your boundaries are. Make a log see who your child sees most? Should be interesting.

This is no way is saying you shouldn't work or provide for your child/family just don't go over board. A child isn't going to say my mom or dad loved me so much that they always made sure someone else was watching me. I would rather have my child say, remember that time when...we raced our cart after grocery shopping, or we played Candy-land after school, or you left work early and we went to the park, or you had vacation days and let me play hooky with you, or we got a movie, made popcorn and snuggled on the couch, or you read the precious word of God to me.

Saturday School (kindergarten prep event)

Ok, this may not sound pretty, but it is truly how I feel. The good, the bad and the ugly.

So in preparation to take our 3 year old to practice for kindergarten, I realized she isn't going to know anyone and neither are we. It's a good and bad feeling.

We arrived promptly (10 minutes early), checked her in and went to the gym to have a seat.
That's where it all started. I am watching these other parents dressed to the nines (for me Saturday is my dress down day, the ONLY day of the week I can wear my jeans and hoody), they are conversing with others they know saying things like "I hope our kids get the same teacher", I am saying in my head you are so fake and BTW there are 6 yes 6 kindergarten classrooms give me a break, they are saying in a valley girl voice "it's so good to see you", "it's been a long time", gagging at the fake conversation and their need to appear to fit in, draw attention to themselves and be cool.

I really feeling bad for my eye rolls, my internal laughter, and what I may have to "deal" with. I don't do fake, I can talk to anyone, it isn't important for me to fit in but it is important to me for our child to feel comfortable. I don't want to have to say things like "I totally haven't seen you in awhile", "did your kid do this cuz my kid did" etc.

I hate the feeling that there is a good ole boys club, and I am excluded because I don't know the right people. It is so high school and youth group ALL over again. I hate having people tell me what a great girls night they had with a group of people I know, am I suppose to be happy for you? Ugh!

People wonder why I am a guarded person, well I can't stand fake, I am not going to pretend you are God's gift to earth, if you are my friend I am loyal, honest, forgiving, and truthful. I don't need to name drop, brown nose, or feel obligated to do something for you if in your life you can't bring yourself to say hi when you see me on a weekly basis until you need something from me.

I know I have an entire year and 5 months before she stars kindergarten, I just don't want to be fake, dress like I am 16, compare my child to others, and wonder if she is being excluded because I didn't kiss the right rear end.

My dad always says "it's not what you know , it's who you know". I just don't understand why people treat others as if they are some kind of god. I feel I see this once a week and that is bad enough. I don't want to add it to 6 days a week. I spend Saturdays with my family :)

I already feel this way at another place I take her, and other things i participate in, I don't want to add one more thing.

Although my perspective could be wrong, Saturday School was just 2 hours, just have this over all feeling.

Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated. :)

Teach your children well.....

Being a manager, interviewing, hiring, and training people over the years has shown me what a great job my parents really did. Not that I doubt them, but all those little things they added in to daily life really did justice with me. Yes it was their job to tell me and model for me their work ethic.
My dad was an engineer for several years, and then owned his own business until just a few years ago. My mom was a stay at home mom until my younger sister was in high school, she then joined the work force again.

So here is a list that has been compiled by my parents and myself:
1. When filling out an application bring your own pen, read ALL print, and firmly shake the managers hand, thank them for their time. Ask when to follow up, follow up if you are interested.
2. Leave references that are contactable. If the application says non family or friends can be a reference they mean it, be prepared to leave phone numbers for job references.
3. Dress the part, even when getting an application. I don't need to see the latest fashion. You shouldn't look like you rolled out of bed, just woke up, etc.
4. Interviewing. Show up 5 minutes early, again dress the part, don't drown yourself in perfume or any other over powering smells, make eye contact, answer all interview questions (it would be a good idea to prepare for questions harder than what is your availability), practice your interview with family or a friend, if you aren't sure how to answer a question ask for clarity take a deep breathe and calmly answer and never tell the person you are interviewing with that at your last job you were in a fight, hate your co-workers, your boss sucked, etc.
5. After the interview follow up in a few days, check and see if they can get ahold of your references.
6. When hired give it your all. (No you are not going to make $60,000 on your first job) Show up on time, actually as one of my teachers from high school would say "If you're early you're on time, if you're on time you're late, and if you're late there is no excuse", don't call in sick for a cold, a runny nose or a sneeze, don't have your mom or dad call for you. Don't text your boss to call in sick. Don't be a job hopper, it doesn't look good.
7. If you need to move on, do it on good terms. Give proper notice, show up EVERYDAY of that notice and still give it your all.

I feel like we are missing the mark with our kids. Things are handed to you for nothing, you have to work hard for them. You still have to clean toilets, do laundry, sweep floors, mop, vacuum, sometimes you have to do them at work you should already be dong this at home. Earn your keep.

Education is not just done at school :)

All day everyday YOU are teaching your children. Intentionally or unintentionally it is happening. I am always telling people, you're children hear everything, I mean EVERYTHING, especially when you don't want them to. Needless to say I too am learning from my own advice. The other day our daughter asked us if we still loved her. We were shocked, horrified and immediately explained that we will always love her. We said to each other why would a little girl this age ask such a question? Then I had my ah ha moment. Matt and I are always teasing each other and say do you still love me? Completely joking and know we love each other. So we don't do that one anymore lesson learned.

As I digress with my own personal story here is the real point of this blog. You are their model? Here are a few things to ask yourself 1. Are you putting God first? 2. Family next? etc we all know how this goes, are you being a responsible/good employee? Do you call in sick when you aren't sick (I am not talking about taking a personal day)? If your are in the checkout line and the checker misses an item do you tell her, or do you convince yourself that company makes enough money I must have earned it. Is it stealing when someone makes a mistake like that and you knowingly except? I say yes!

I have had to go back in a store and pay for the 99 cent box of goldfish that my little was snacking on while we shopped. No, I am not perfect, I just try to think what is this teaching her?

Are you teaching your children to be honest and truthful OR deceitful and liars?

Growing and Painful

So as my little girl was playing today I realized how much she has grown in the last 3 years.
I remember when we found out we were getting this blessing from God. Those 2 pink lines where so exciting for us. We had no idea how much!

It is painful knowing she is growing so fast, and so rewarding.
Knowing in the back of my head we aren't able to have another makes me want to guard, and protect every move she makes. I tear up thinking she is going to grow up some day and leave us. I know that's what they are suppose to do.

I read these posts on social media, about needing mommy time, getting away from their crabby kids, or pawning the children off for more weekends than not and think, you will miss when they are little, don't wish for it to be gone.

So tonight when my little asked "can I lay on your leg and snuggle with you" right before bed I cherished every moment.

I am being a little sentimental tonight. Love my girl, and also thought we would have more littles to love around our house. If you have 1 or 20 cherish them and don't wish your time away.

I know time is needed but don't wish it away.

To sleep or not to sleep???

So as a first time parent my husband and I wanted our baby to sleep like we have heard others have gotten their children to sleep all night at a young age. So my younger sister recommended the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth. Wonderful book, I would recommend it to anyone that can be structured and routined with their child.

So as the baby grows into a toddler, sleeping habits get derailed. At the ripe age of 3 1/2 years old, we have unwilling submitted to co- sleeping more nights than not during the week. Once we think we have out smarted her she gets sick, we worry and snuggle her back in between us. Unfortunately this means my husband and I are both hanging onto the edge of our bed on our respective side. She is either peacefully sleeping while kicking the stuffings out of me or my husband. Neither one of us end up getting any sleep.

So last night at bed time we have the "you have to sleep in your own bed talk". (Ha ha ha). She wants to sleep in the dress she is wearing , so I come up with the plan that you sleep 2 nights in your own bed then you can sleep in the dress. I did it I know I've won! I am a genius, why didn't I come up with this sooner? She agreed and reassured me she was staying in her bed all night.

10:34 pm I hear her scream "NO" at someone in her sleep, arguing and then you got it, she wakes up. I go check on her and of coarse she has to potty. She cries, the whole time she is in the bathroom, I sit with her for a few minutes remind her of our deal and she goes back to her bed. Success!!

3:06 am crying ensues, screaming she has to go potty, I am hushing her so she doesn't wake up her daddy, too late. Then the bomb drops she wants to sleep in our bed. I say no you can't. Crying louder!!!! I am exhausted, I need my sleep, I want my sleep, I am done. I tell her no you can't lay in our bed, you can lay on the floor next to the bed. I know you are thinking why did you give in? Be strong? Let her cry it out? I get it, I have to work, I have to take care of other people's children later that day. Not sleeping the rest of the morning is not an option.

Lesson, NEVER let them in your bed for any reason if you don't want them their all the time.
Love our girl, just don't want an upper cut while in a deep sleep.

My First Blog January 20, 2013

I am a Christian, wife, mother, daughter, sister, SIL, And DIL. I work full time 45+ hours per week in childcare. My husband and I suffer from secondary infertility.

I want to blog to share my life observations and experiences.

You don't have to agree with me, this of course is my opinion and perspective. I respect all those that agree and all those that agree to disagree.

Feel free to send in questions regarding early childhood education, parenting, infertility, etc.
Again, my opinion I am not a licensed professional.