My journey with infertility, continues (final post)

These blogs concerning infertility will have a lot of TMI, I want others to not feel alone and to know that these things can be talked about.

It was December of 2014, the hustle and bustle of the holiday's was in full swing.  Our sweet girl was finishing up her 2nd quarter of Kindergarten.  Life was good.  My family was about to converge on my mom and dad's house and we were going to celebrate the holidays, visit with our nieces, nephews, and cousins.  School break was going to be packed full of family fun!  I was 2 or 3 days late.... I was late... I hadn't been late in over 2 years, even with PCOS.  It was the stress of all the change for the holiday.  Fitting everything in when I need to.... that's it, that's all it could be.  Matt and I had been told the only way to conceive was to do invetro-fertilization. I remember that very clearly.  It plays in my head over and over.  Every time I pray, every time I dream, EVERY TIME.  Matt says take a test, well fancy that, I don't have a test, because I don't need a test, because remember I can't get pregnant.  Nor did I want to take a test, I didn't need the look at the negative sign one more time to confirm that I can't get pregnant, I can't have another baby, I knew that..... I had come to terms with that.  Our little girl still would pray, please God give me a sibling, give us a baby, I want a sister.

Another day or 2 had gone by and I a printed a coupon for a pregnancy test.  If I was going to have to buy one then it wasn't going to be full price and it wasn't going to be the economy sized box.  One test (OK, there were 2 in the box) was all I was buying.  I was sure that once I made the purchase that a return would be in sight, because I would start.  So the test has been bought, now to wait until morning to do the test the right way.  Because I wasn't doing this multiple times, once, once is all there would be.  I couldn't cope with 2 negative test, I could hardly bare the thought of looking at one negative test.

Sleep was hard that night.  Matt and I woke up early and I took the test.  Now of coarse since I was being cheep I got the test that took 3 minutes to produce results, instead of 1.  That's OK 3 minutes isn't that long, only 180 seconds, that felt like an eternity.  Matt said let me look, I said can I, I really want to look, I need to know, he was gracious and let me look.  I sat there, and stared, I couldn't say any thing but "your're not going to believe this" Matt's response "don't mess with me" to which I replied "I'm not, it's positive! I'm pregnant?"  I was thinking how? not literally, but figuratively.
So I called the doc, he ordered a blood workup that day and made my 8 week appointment.  I had spoke to the nurse that I have known for ever (over 20 years) she was so excited.  For me the shock, dis-trust, worry and fear had set in.  Blood work came back great, the doctor called me personally to tell me everything looked good.  That should put me at ease right? Right! Not so much.

Then it happened, I woke up about a week after the test and I was bleeding, not heavy, not like the miscarriage before..... but I was bleeding.  I lost it, I broke down, I couldn't work, Matt put Grace on the bus to school and I was a complete mess.  I believe my husband was too, he just couldn't be a messy, mess like me.  He was stronger, at least it seemed.  He knew it was in God's hands.  Soooooo, I called my doctors nurse.  The nurse practitioner called back.  I could hardly talk, she said come in, we will do an ultra sound, you need to know this early that sometimes nothing could be seen, please understand that.  We went straight in, they squeezed me in, (I go to such a great office) Matt and I walked back went the see the same ultra sound girl that has been there forever soooo she knows me.  She's chatty, professional, and caring.  She proceeds with the internal ultra sound (you know, the ONE that every woman loves) and is silent, pushing, pressing, searching for the baby.  She quietly tells us, the baby is gone.... I laid on the bed holding my husbands hand as we sobbed together.  Then she says, let me try one more thing, she squeezes that warm jell on my belly, presses the ultra sound tool on my stomach says "that baby is really high, look at that heartbeat!!" tears of sadness quickly turned to tears of joy, fear, excitement, fear, shock...... Is this really our rainbow baby? After all the prayers, from our daughter, my husband, myself, our friends, our parents, my mom's bible study group, was this really happening? I had really just come to terms with our daughter being our special one and only. 

Surviving my only child growing up. Our journey to kindergarten.....

Here I sit 3 nights before I have to register my baby for kindergarten.  This is what we have been getting her ready for.  I find myself really sad about the whole thing.  I want to protect her, keep her from the bullies, the "real world".... 

This is our only child this is the only time we get to take this journey. We will have a lot of firsts and lasts at the same time.  I sit here crying at the thought of her growing up. That's what they do, I know.  

I sit here and try to be excited for her, but in my heart I dread the day I put her on that school bus.  I know I have had fun with every moment we have had thus far no regrets, maybe just to slow down time.  

My feelings are similar to the ones I had about kindergarten. I didn't want to go, I wanted to stay with my mom, I couldn't wait to get home..... I was soooooo nervous.

I know you're thinking. You area a working mom, she's been in school since she was 2 months old.  Well folks I am one of those people that get to work where my child goes to preschool. Have always been in the same building with her minus meetings.  So although she is socially and academically ready, her mom may not be.

Kindergarten registration was clearly over rated in my mind before arriving. Not only had my life views changed drastically that Tuesday morning.  My mom, you know the one I that I mentioned earlier, the one that I never wanted to leave her side.  She had an accident at home, falling down an entire flight of stairs face first. Most of Tuesday my mom and dad spent their day in the  ER waiting for doctors, nurses and specialist to come up with the best care plan for her.  Well needless to say, I was very worried about my mom, and couldn't even be sad about signing up my little for kindergarten, how could I, I had not time to think about it. 

I arrived at kindergarten registration, filled out 10 pages of repetitive materials, showed my proof of residency 3 times, immunizations, and birth certificate.  Then I waited and waited and waited..... It's just the nature of the beast. Met with the lady, to notarize the papers that said I wasn't lying about our residency and that little had never been suspended/expelled from school before..... Glad I got that all cleared up.  Then my DH met me at the school got little and I headed to see for my own eyes that my mom would be ok.

Putting things in perspective that day made kindergarten registration seem just like the next step in like, my little was ok, healthy, smart, growing kid!!!!

Fast forward 6 months.....

Kindergarten Orientation and meet the teacher night! 

We arrive promptly to the school at 5:30 with our school supplies in hand.  Walk down the long hall to find her classroom. Round the corner to meet the very seasoned, smile on her face, kindergarten teacher. We find her desk, my super awesome husband helps her load up her pencil box and find the proper place for the rest of the supplies.   I don't even think he realized I couldn't read the directions for the night. I was completely freaking out inside.  We walked around the school finding all of the important places! I liked that part getting to see all off the different classrooms in the building. The parents get schooled on curriculum and then we have Popsicles in the cafeteria.  We hurry home to get to bed to get ready for school the next morning.  

We wake up, eat a good breakfast, pack her lunch and afternoon snack, head to the location of our bus stop...... I am completely worried about this 30 minute bus ride.  The bus pulls down the street and low and behold the driver is someone I went to high school with. What a relief!! God knows what we need. I needed comfort with the bus!  

She went to kindergarten 3 days last week and I know I have cried every day including Saturday. It breaks my heart to see her go. I pray she has a good day, she eats her lunch, she makes friends, and listens to all of her teachers. I pray for her all day long!

Well this kindergarten adventure has just begun.  I am sure I will have more fun things to blog about... This coming week I am going to my first PTO meeting. 

Working moms vs Stay at home moms

Mom's are hard workers no matter if they stay at home, work out of the home, single or married. Moms try their hardest, protect their family, educate their children, nutritious their children, etc.

There is this weird thing among mom's that can change ones presence/posture when speaking with other moms.  Not that it's right, it just happens. The working mom says "oh, you stay at home with your kids" and the stay at home mom says "oh, you work away from the home".  Each does what they feel is best/right for their family.

I, at times, am envious of the stay at home mom (SAHM). I too would like to stay at home with my little.  Teach her the things she needs to know for kindergarten, clean during the day, have home cooked meals, desserts, bread, etc., do all the projects I have pinned, be involved with all of the little SAHM mommy clubs.  Which tend to be very exclusive to SAHM's.

On the reverse side. I love the school my little is at right now.  She has great social skills, loves learning, knows almost all her letters and sounds and is starting to do simple reading.  I enjoy my job and the social interactions that is allows.  I have also made some great friends.  

My mom was a SAHM, as a child I loved that she was home when I got home from school, that she was my Girl Scout leader, the room mother for my class.  She always knew what I was doing and who my friends are.  Helped me with my homework.  Was my advocate when I needed it.  Took care of me when I was sick, took me to the doctor when I needed to go.  I know she sacrificed things.  She was and is a great mom.

I am a mom that works away from the home.  I feel as if I am chasing my tail when it comes to keep up with the house, laundry, cooking, etc.  I feel torn when it come to playing Barbie's or switching over the laundry.  Bedtime, oh how I would love to let her stay up all night.  I know better, I know a schedule and consistency is vital to her learning and happiness.  To our families happiness.  I charish the weekends, the evenings, the rides to and from school.  I enjoy it when she climbs up on the kitchen stool to "help" me cook.  I try to use all the time possible and make it as quality as I as I can.

I believe a SAHM and working mom tries to make all their time quality.  When you become burnt out, frustrated, get cabin fever.  Don't complain on social media the the kids are driving you crazy, or I wish they were back in school so you are home alone to get your "chores done", finishing your work week to pawn your kids off on their grandparents so you can have as many weekends as possible "kid free". It's ok to take a break. As mom, as a parent, you need some "me time". Just the reason for the break and the approach is what matters.  

Sorry

Ok the Facebook poll has settled down.

As a parent I think your child should say sorry. Now that being said, there are many ways to go about it.  Of course I don't think that saying sorry right after you smack someone upside the head is the intention. That's typically when a child is trying not to get into trouble. 

I do think that modeling what you want is the best. Say sorry when you should, to your kids, spouse, or friends. It is a great way for them to learn.

Ask them what they think they may need to say, when they have said or done something wrong. Ask them if there was a different way they could have done that.  Also, saying sorry doesn't mean there aren't other consequences. 

I think no matter what if you aren't teaching your child to say sorry, why they say sorry, andwhat they did that needs an apology. 

There is a society of children growing up thinking that nothing has value, expecting everything from everyone, they are always right about everything, and it doesn't matter who they hurt on the way. 

I read a post stating he was tired of waiter/waitresses, and bartenders not saying " thank you" for the tip.....hmmmmm, this may be my next blog. 

Our first date!!!

September 2, 2007

Our last email he said give me a call sometime, after giving me his number.  My response was here's my number you can call me.  

I got home from church, and my neighbor and I were going to take her girls to pizza street.  I had just swung my door open to meet her outside when my phone rang.  I ran to look at the caller ID.  I remember thinking its him, let it ring one more time you don't want him to think you are just standing by the hone waiting for it to call.  I calmly answer, hello! Hi, Carol this is Matt.  (I know, I was so glad he called). The time was set, a movie it would be, what would I wear, I was so nervous..... I remember I couldn't stop sweating, I was totally freeking out.  

Ok, I was ready, I peaked out the blinds and saw him pull up.  I wasn't sure if he knew which condo I was in, so I opened the door and headed down the stairs.  I remember thinking, what do I do. Telling myself slow down, enjoy the moment.  He opened the car door for me, how nice, kind, polite and respectful.  We get to the theatre, watch the movie. Driving back to my condo, I say "you want to come up to my condo?" What was I thinking, did that sound trashy, was I miss leading him, what was he thinking now.... Oh well it already came out of my mouth.  He said sure.  

We sat on my very comfy 20year old hand me down couch from my parents.  Chatted for what seemed like minutes, was really hours.  No worries, we both had Monday off work for the holiday.  

I can remember think I was starving!!!! I had no food in my house, I was single, what more could I need.  I had the staples, pasta, cereal, pop tarts, soda and milk.  So I got us some soda to drink, that's all I could do.  

It was getting late, so Matt was leaving. I was wondering how did it go?? Did I say anything stupid (if you know me I do that)? Was this the beginning or end? 

I walk him to the door, he is standing right outside my door, and a BIG ENORMOUS BUG flies into my face.  At that moment I thought Matt was leaning in to kiss me, and I was leaning as far back as I could as to not have a bug land on my face.  I quickly recover from the lean back, and lean forward and give home a kiss.  He says, "I'll call you tomorrow".  I think in guy time that would be (a week, a few days, a month).  I said "ok, talk to ya tomorrow". Shut the door, watched him leave and call my friend downstairs. 

The next day, my phone rings and it was Matt, it made my heart feel good, he meant what he said! I was so glad to talk to him again. 🌹  

My journey with infertility, continued....

These blogs concerning infertility will have a lot of TMI, I want others to not feel alone and to know that these things can be talked about.

I went to my next appointment on the third day of my cycle (that's right folks 3rd day of my cycle) I was so embarrassed. Yes I understood they do this all the time. Still 3rd day for me is TERRIBLE.  Matt is sitting next to me while I lay on the ultrasound table. I warned the tech this is going to be bad, she says no big deal I do this all the time.  After she is done inflicting as much internal pain as possible (sarcasm) she says, "hold on a minute you were bleeding really bad, let me get a towel". Now I am feeling super awesome. Note to self, check all humility and pride at the door. I have received the all clear from the fertility doctor.  I call the mail order pharmacy to get my 2 inject-able fertility drugs, plus fill the prescription for chlomid at the local pharmacy. I was given a calendar/ schedule of when to start or come in for injections of each medication. 

I strictly followed all rules, my husband followed all rules. I go in for my injection, all is good, growing some eggs. Get all my blood work done.(Grace loved watching them take my blood).  A few days later I go in for my ultra sound I have 1 egg ready and 1 VERY close. I set up my second injection and my 2 appoints for IUI. Excited!!! I mean this has to be it, how can it not work?? Right?  All my appointments are complete and now for the next 14 to 16 days I have to wait.

Day 14 comes up, no period, could it be? No, yes, maybe. I mean you can't tell these fertility drug side effects make you feel pregnant the ENTIRE month you are on them. I call the office they say wait 2 more days. 2 days comes up and bam, I start my period.  I remember my eyes welling up with tears, sending Matt a text. The disappointment, stress, sadness, and the questions.  

I call the RE's office, they say no worries lets go again. 2 days later I go in got the ever so humbling ultra sound. Get the all clear. Call in my drugs. We had summer trip planned to go to my sisters in VA, so the RE's office said that they can teach me to do the injection.  For those of you that know me well know I can't stand needles, let alone give myself an injection.  So I made arrangements for my BIL to give me  the injection. (Nice, real nice) he is awesome so he did it for me.  I get back to St. Louis, finish up the blood work and the rest of my injections. Go in on a Saturday for my IUI, I was called back by the doctor, I know this couldn't be good. He sat me down in the office and explained to me the IUI wouldn't work this time.  I was devastated. In his thick accent he told me to go home and be with my husband, and "to make love all weekend". Now I have to make an exit. If you have ever gone to a doctor like this you will learn Saturday is a packed house in the waiting room, women, men and children.  Tears streaming down my face, I have to get out of there without making eye contact with anyone, without bursting out in a sobbing cry.  

I get out of the office, down the hall, down the elevator, down another hall, into the parking garage, and finally into my truck.  I am balling, I remember telling myself to calm down, you have to call Matt and tell him, calm down or you will worry him.  I get ahold of myself, tell him all the details, I can still hear the shock and silence on the other end.  All I wanted at that moment is to be home in Matt's arms. That's the only thing that could make that moment a little ok. 

All I could do was cry, cry for myself, for Matt, for my little girl who has been praying for a baby still to this day, cry for the desire to have a larger family.  

It's almost been an entire year since we have gone throughout this journey, and I still get very emotional when I have to relive some of these moments. 

Although it has been a roller coaster, I have learned a lot.  Don't take your child for granted, your plans aren't always His plans, and at some point I might be able to help/support someone that is going through something similar.

Even though I don't know many people that have gone through this I have gotten support from them, also friends that don't truly understand have been very supportive,  and family.  You learn who is really there for you and those that are there for themselves.  

My journey with infertility, continued

These blogs concerning infertility will have a lot of TMI, I want others to not feel alone and to now that these things can be talked about.

Continued.........

After the fourth month of chlomid it was decided that I go see an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). I called to make an appointment discussed my history, and it was decided that I did not need to get a HSG test, and just some ultra sounds and follow up blood work. 

While I was waiting to get into the RE, I had just finished my fourth round of chlomid prior to that, I have an unexplainable pain near my lower abdomen on my right side.  I am standing in the kitchen at work when the pain hits me and I drop to the floor.  I remember one of my co-workers asking if she needed to call 911.  This pain was bad! Remember I have been through child birth once, this pain was very, very bad.  From a scale from 1-10 it was a 20, labor was a 6 or 7. I rest in my office chair, and give Matt a call to let him know what was going on. By the time I was off work it was a mild pain, so I stopped by target on the way home.  I walked to the back of the store and stopped, called Matt and told him the pain was back and I didn't know how I was going to make it back to the front of the store. Needless to say I figured something out and headed home to lay down. The next morning I call my OBGYN's office and they get me in right away.  They did an exam, I told me to come back the next day for an ultra sound, telling me nothing before i left. I go back the next morning and found out I had a cyst in my ovary rupture, and then filled up with blood.  OUCH!!  What does this mean??? Not sure so I called the RE's office and they got the information from the ultra sound.

I go to my RE appointment the next week with my mom.  It was just an evaluation so we thought we should save the time for Matt's work for when we would really need it. I got an ultra sound at the RE's office she found the cyst.  I said I can wait, I want to feel better before I start any other drugs.  The RE does an exam.  Then we go into his office.  He tells me I need to go on the pill to shrink the cyst, this works 9 out of 10 times.  Because of the rupture I have to get an HSG on the 3rd to 5th day of my period. I was bummed about all of this because I heard the test was painful. I also had to get blood work for a pregnancy test.  Of coarse it was negative. 

I prepped for my HSG test.  I went to the hospital, I felt like I waited an eternity for them to call me back.  I lay there on the cold table as the doctor inserts a catheter to inject dye into my uterus. As the dye filled my uterus I watched the screen as  the dye fills up my uterus and spills into my body.  All is clear no blockage or damage from the cyst.  Now I have to start my period again call the office and proceed. 

The next entry will be my journey with all the infertility drugs, ultra sounds, etc...

To be continued.....