These blogs concerning infertility will have a lot of TMI, I want others to not feel alone and to know that these things can be talked about.
It was December of 2014, the hustle and bustle of the holiday's was in full swing. Our sweet girl was finishing up her 2nd quarter of Kindergarten. Life was good. My family was about to converge on my mom and dad's house and we were going to celebrate the holidays, visit with our nieces, nephews, and cousins. School break was going to be packed full of family fun! I was 2 or 3 days late.... I was late... I hadn't been late in over 2 years, even with PCOS. It was the stress of all the change for the holiday. Fitting everything in when I need to.... that's it, that's all it could be. Matt and I had been told the only way to conceive was to do invetro-fertilization. I remember that very clearly. It plays in my head over and over. Every time I pray, every time I dream, EVERY TIME. Matt says take a test, well fancy that, I don't have a test, because I don't need a test, because remember I can't get pregnant. Nor did I want to take a test, I didn't need the look at the negative sign one more time to confirm that I can't get pregnant, I can't have another baby, I knew that..... I had come to terms with that. Our little girl still would pray, please God give me a sibling, give us a baby, I want a sister.
Another day or 2 had gone by and I a printed a coupon for a pregnancy test. If I was going to have to buy one then it wasn't going to be full price and it wasn't going to be the economy sized box. One test (OK, there were 2 in the box) was all I was buying. I was sure that once I made the purchase that a return would be in sight, because I would start. So the test has been bought, now to wait until morning to do the test the right way. Because I wasn't doing this multiple times, once, once is all there would be. I couldn't cope with 2 negative test, I could hardly bare the thought of looking at one negative test.
Sleep was hard that night. Matt and I woke up early and I took the test. Now of coarse since I was being cheep I got the test that took 3 minutes to produce results, instead of 1. That's OK 3 minutes isn't that long, only 180 seconds, that felt like an eternity. Matt said let me look, I said can I, I really want to look, I need to know, he was gracious and let me look. I sat there, and stared, I couldn't say any thing but "your're not going to believe this" Matt's response "don't mess with me" to which I replied "I'm not, it's positive! I'm pregnant?" I was thinking how? not literally, but figuratively.
So I called the doc, he ordered a blood workup that day and made my 8 week appointment. I had spoke to the nurse that I have known for ever (over 20 years) she was so excited. For me the shock, dis-trust, worry and fear had set in. Blood work came back great, the doctor called me personally to tell me everything looked good. That should put me at ease right? Right! Not so much.
Then it happened, I woke up about a week after the test and I was bleeding, not heavy, not like the miscarriage before..... but I was bleeding. I lost it, I broke down, I couldn't work, Matt put Grace on the bus to school and I was a complete mess. I believe my husband was too, he just couldn't be a messy, mess like me. He was stronger, at least it seemed. He knew it was in God's hands. Soooooo, I called my doctors nurse. The nurse practitioner called back. I could hardly talk, she said come in, we will do an ultra sound, you need to know this early that sometimes nothing could be seen, please understand that. We went straight in, they squeezed me in, (I go to such a great office) Matt and I walked back went the see the same ultra sound girl that has been there forever soooo she knows me. She's chatty, professional, and caring. She proceeds with the internal ultra sound (you know, the ONE that every woman loves) and is silent, pushing, pressing, searching for the baby. She quietly tells us, the baby is gone.... I laid on the bed holding my husbands hand as we sobbed together. Then she says, let me try one more thing, she squeezes that warm jell on my belly, presses the ultra sound tool on my stomach says "that baby is really high, look at that heartbeat!!" tears of sadness quickly turned to tears of joy, fear, excitement, fear, shock...... Is this really our rainbow baby? After all the prayers, from our daughter, my husband, myself, our friends, our parents, my mom's bible study group, was this really happening? I had really just come to terms with our daughter being our special one and only.
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