These blogs concerning infertility will have a lot of TMI, I want others to not feel alone and to know that these things can be talked about.
I went to my next appointment on the third day of my cycle (that's right folks 3rd day of my cycle) I was so embarrassed. Yes I understood they do this all the time. Still 3rd day for me is TERRIBLE. Matt is sitting next to me while I lay on the ultrasound table. I warned the tech this is going to be bad, she says no big deal I do this all the time. After she is done inflicting as much internal pain as possible (sarcasm) she says, "hold on a minute you were bleeding really bad, let me get a towel". Now I am feeling super awesome. Note to self, check all humility and pride at the door. I have received the all clear from the fertility doctor. I call the mail order pharmacy to get my 2 inject-able fertility drugs, plus fill the prescription for chlomid at the local pharmacy. I was given a calendar/ schedule of when to start or come in for injections of each medication.
I strictly followed all rules, my husband followed all rules. I go in for my injection, all is good, growing some eggs. Get all my blood work done.(Grace loved watching them take my blood). A few days later I go in for my ultra sound I have 1 egg ready and 1 VERY close. I set up my second injection and my 2 appoints for IUI. Excited!!! I mean this has to be it, how can it not work?? Right? All my appointments are complete and now for the next 14 to 16 days I have to wait.
Day 14 comes up, no period, could it be? No, yes, maybe. I mean you can't tell these fertility drug side effects make you feel pregnant the ENTIRE month you are on them. I call the office they say wait 2 more days. 2 days comes up and bam, I start my period. I remember my eyes welling up with tears, sending Matt a text. The disappointment, stress, sadness, and the questions.
I call the RE's office, they say no worries lets go again. 2 days later I go in got the ever so humbling ultra sound. Get the all clear. Call in my drugs. We had summer trip planned to go to my sisters in VA, so the RE's office said that they can teach me to do the injection. For those of you that know me well know I can't stand needles, let alone give myself an injection. So I made arrangements for my BIL to give me the injection. (Nice, real nice) he is awesome so he did it for me. I get back to St. Louis, finish up the blood work and the rest of my injections. Go in on a Saturday for my IUI, I was called back by the doctor, I know this couldn't be good. He sat me down in the office and explained to me the IUI wouldn't work this time. I was devastated. In his thick accent he told me to go home and be with my husband, and "to make love all weekend". Now I have to make an exit. If you have ever gone to a doctor like this you will learn Saturday is a packed house in the waiting room, women, men and children. Tears streaming down my face, I have to get out of there without making eye contact with anyone, without bursting out in a sobbing cry.
I get out of the office, down the hall, down the elevator, down another hall, into the parking garage, and finally into my truck. I am balling, I remember telling myself to calm down, you have to call Matt and tell him, calm down or you will worry him. I get ahold of myself, tell him all the details, I can still hear the shock and silence on the other end. All I wanted at that moment is to be home in Matt's arms. That's the only thing that could make that moment a little ok.
All I could do was cry, cry for myself, for Matt, for my little girl who has been praying for a baby still to this day, cry for the desire to have a larger family.
It's almost been an entire year since we have gone throughout this journey, and I still get very emotional when I have to relive some of these moments.
Although it has been a roller coaster, I have learned a lot. Don't take your child for granted, your plans aren't always His plans, and at some point I might be able to help/support someone that is going through something similar.
Even though I don't know many people that have gone through this I have gotten support from them, also friends that don't truly understand have been very supportive, and family. You learn who is really there for you and those that are there for themselves.
